And she was right - it wasn't appendicitis. Indigestion would probably be closer to the truth. I wish I could say that was the first time, but it wasn't. In fact, I can't tell you how many times I've lain awake at night with some kind of stomachache and debated waking up a roommate to take me to the ER. I CAN tell you how many times I've had actual appendicitis: zero.
Anyway, my mom has this medical book from a general medicine class she took. It's probably a bit (or significantly) outdated since it's older than me, but for some reason that book is gospel to me. Any time I get worried about a weird ache or pain, I call my mom. It goes like this:
"Mom, can you get The Book out?"
"The medical book?" (Really she doesn't need to ask. I've never asked about any other one.)
"Yeah. I think I have ________ (insert potentially fatal symptom)."
"OK," (completely unconcerned - after 25 years she knows where this is going) "I'm getting it. What's wrong?"
"Well, I have ______ (insert completely generic and not-likely-to-be-even-remotely-fatal, but COULD possibly be linked to cardiac arrest, symptom)."
"How long has that been going on?"
"At LEAST 20 minutes now."
"Mmmmhmmm. And what other symptoms do you have?"
I explain, she consults The Book (yes, I realize we have the Internet and WebMD now, but The Book just seems so much more...authoritative) and comes back with,
"It sounds like it's probably _______ (insert completely benign diagnosis). But if you pass out or have trouble breathing, you should go to the doctor."
I've developed quite a list of possible diseases, all of which have proved to be unfounded. I mentioned appendicitis (a repeat offender), here are some more.
| I thought I had... | It was actually... |
| A tumor | A really big knot in my back |
| MS | Two strained leg muscles |
| Carpal Tunnel | Nothing at all |
| A parasite | An aversion to lactose (this one was at least something |
| Diabetes (I think this was the one to tip Alicia off) | Nothing at all. |
| An allergic reaction to a bee sting | Just a normal bee sting |
What I find strange about all of this (and why I never suspected myself to be a hypochondriac), is I rarely go to the doctor. I may contemplate it quite a bit, but the symptoms usually disappear by the time I get around to it. And when I actually have something legitimately wrong with me, I'm sure I don't. Two winters ago when I had bronchitis, for example, I waited weeks to go to a doctor because I was sure it was just a cough and would go away on its own.
Anyway, what prompted this whole foray into my neurotic tendencies is that now that I'm aware of this quirk, I try to be extra cautious not to let my mind run away with minor symptoms. So every once in a while, I think, "Hey, that whole lactose intolerance thing is probably just in my mind. I probably hypochondriac-ed the whole thing up." And I eat some cheesecake to prove it to myself. I did this experiment again on Sunday (you think I would have learned by now) and for the record, it's not in my mind.
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4 comments:
ooo hoo hoo i love i love i love it. I"m pretty close to bein righ there with ya. I too eat eatc heeseckae to test my lactose intolerances..... even on SCHOOL NIGHTS. I've been hating work so much lately that i've made myself sick... kinda like Tom Hanks in Joe vs. the volacano. In fact i've been wanting to blog about that movie and tie my made up "brain cloud" to it. I so have on Kate. Lets call your Mom and get out "THE BOOK" . yea, the book. And i'll hope that it will tell me that i have 6 months to live so that i can quit my job, travel the world, kiss anyone i want and not feel bad but not have to worry about getting married. lol. A brain cloud would solve a hell of a lot for me right now. I am one optimistic hypochondriac. You could call me a - Hyper Hypo.
I'm glad you're my friend. keep blogging please.
Hilarious! (BTW, my word verification word was "hoses" - an actual English word.)
Yeah, been there too, unfortunately! When I was young I was so afraid of sicknesses that if someone in my family had the flu, I'd stay outside all day and wouldn't touch the spot they sat in on the couch for about a month. I'd go to bed almost every night afraid that I'd wake up sick. I always thought I had cancer, too. And I would very often tell my mom to feel my forehead because "it's hot, I must have a fever". "Feels fine to me", she'd always say. FORTUNATELY, I'm mostly over it, at least I pretend I'm normal these days! Glad to know there is someone else who shares such fears.
I can so relate. I've stopped going to the doctor, because it seems like every time I know there is something really wrong with me, the doctor can't find anything.
A year ago I self diagnosed a torn rotator cuff in my shoulder that needed surgery because it was too bad to heal on it's own. I even waited several months to go to the doctor just to be absolutely sure that I would need surgery. Yeah, well the doctor took one look at the x-ray, and then a quick look at my shoulder and said there was nothing wrong, but if I wanted he could send me to physical therapy anyways. :)
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